Is not a very good feeling when you feel like a wall flower, yes the old saying that means you are always standing at the back and do not come forward to the front when you want to, and try to but are kept at the back and do not know why. Not as daft as it sounds when you desire to be leader of the a team but an unknown force continues to hold you back in just about all of your ambitions, yes your desire for success: a strong feeling of wanting to be successful in life and achieve great things when you know you are maybe capable of doing so.
Difficult to understand because you may not understand why you are only allowed to achieve certain things, and then just those of which you now know were the simple necessaries of life one needs to get you through everyday life, and you know there is nothing wrong with you even when you are called upon to serve your country in the armed forces just in case you are needed to be involved in a war, and then afterwards when your time is up and you return to civilian life and you go amongst the vipers, yes amongst the vipers this being an offensive term for somebody or many who can be considered to be malicious, treacherous, or ungrateful (offensive literary) and many more of such in attitude, behaviour and so on and they did not even know it, so it seemed.
And as you became more adult and realised what this was which was the real life and these ever so troubled people were those you may have worked with for years and knew that there was something wrong in their make up; but could not at the time analyse their behaviour, and just put up with it again because this unknown force would hold you back in many cases; and not allow you to retaliate or defend yourself from that which I learned when I began this work was against the dark side of humanity.
Well I was able to go just that little bit further that kept me safe and I was allowed to do so just enough to defend myself and let some people (the vipers) know when to draw the line, yes it was like this untill my early fifties when I had to take early retirement from my job because of ill health which continues today, but who or what was it that was holding me back from being successful in just about all of my desires and it continues today, this is just part of the story obviously that takes me to this work this day but my oh my have I been educated by the God who I did not believe even existed.
And guess what I do not even know why at 02:44 in the middle of the night know why I am writing this, so help me I do not know, oh well it’s a common situation now as I am awakened by some force and find myself led to the laptop, and write about that not of my choosing and not of my knowing untill it begins to gradually end up on paper. Honest I do not have any desire to continue with this information about myself, and considering I am at the bottom of the page I feel I can stop writing this and get back into bed. Zebity.